Transitions are hard. It’s one of the most difficult times when teaching. Transition from play to work, or clean up to bathroom, or even waking up from nap time. Those ten minutes are valuable but very stressful at times. Some days are easier then others but with constant routine and help children learn to transition easily.
My personal transitions haven’t been easy either. The last three years I’ve had many. It has been overwhelming at times. I’ve felt lost. Or sometimes I felt like I was having and outer body experience. Looking down and watching myself interact with my environment. It is very surreal at times because I remember all the moments but they were almost like story board clips of my life.
When I transitions back into the classroom in July I was happy but devastated all at the same time. Again, I was given a school I didn’t want and I had to drive somewhere completely out of my comfort zone. I remember each afternoon I picked my nice cloths (usually I wear the worn out stuff at work), fix my hair and make up,
and go to work. On the way there I would cry endlessly in the car feeling sorry for myself. I would get to work 20/30 minutes early (as usual because I didn’t know how bad traffic would be) and sit in the car trying to gather myself together.
‘Snap out of it’
‘Get over this!’
‘You have a job’
‘You are great – you can do this!’
I did this everyday for one month.
Wear my finest cloths
Talk myself into stopping the tears and being ridiculous. ‘Enough with the pity party you are a grown woman snap the hell out of it!’
Then I would get out of the car like nothing had happened. Walk into work with the biggest smile and say hello to everyone.
During meetings I would show my excitement for the field, I would ask questions, and volunteer myself to help in anyway possible–because in all honesty I love my job.
I realized how this attitude changed how people saw me at work.
They said I was positive and refreshing.
They said they always wanted a teacher they could believe in again and they finally found me.
They said I could help change the school around.
It’s been 7 months and to be honest the school has changed. Greatly. It isn’t where it should be but it isn’t were it was when I first came. I played apart in this transition but so did everyone else.
I am proud of that experience. Even in my darkest of times (you see that from a few posts) I get through even when I don’t see the light. It’s my own fears really. My own creation of darkness.
I already miss my school.
I miss my kids.
I miss the comfort.
But I guess the only way to get to where I want is to get out of my comfort and face my fears.
On Tuesday when school starts again, I am going to walk into my new school and smile brightly. I am going to make friends, play with the kids, be excited, and show my passion. And I hope and pray I will be seen well there too.
I don’t know how long I will stay but I know I am thankful for this moment in my life. I’ve waited a long time. I’ve cried to many tears. I’ve felt like too much of a failure for too long. I think it’s enough, isn’t it?