Things it be happy about

I’ve had a hard few months but I thought I write the things that I am thankful for:
1) my family. Honestly their support has gotten me out of seriously thinking about running away from life. And I don’t say that lightly.
2) friends who have in their own ways supported and listened to me.
3) my foot healing slowly.
4) financially being able to do a little more.
5) hiking

Becoming lean

Yesterday I went on a hike with a new friend. She was telling me about her body fat percentage two years ago compared to now. She dropped nearly 14% body fat and her weight only changed a little.
I always have to keep this in mind: muscle is heavier than fat.
I saw this because my weight has not changed in over a year and yet I am getting thinner.
But, I still struggle because I don’t see a huge difference.
With so much cardio it’s very hard to make muscle gains. What I need is more muscle gain and after the half-marathon I can decrease cardio and increase weight lifting.
We will see how far that takes me!

Going through the strides

My work life has been hurting my mental life greatly in the last month and a half.
I am looking for a school I can transfer too where I don’t need to share a room like this or at least work with people who aren’t so negative.
I observe what they do and they do it well. They have become master manipulators. As someone who can see and sense everything around me I take in a lot of negativity.
Yesterday was a difficult time for me. My body became weak and I shut down. I don’t know how the time went by and I cannot remember details from the day either. It was mostly a blur. I fell a sleep when I got home and woke up 11 hours later. I was (am) beat.
Next week I am going to change how I approach things.
I thought if I write it down I will be accountable for my actions.
I will continually ignore two people.
If they try to talk to me I will give one or two word answers and walk away or state I am busy.
I will play with the kids more.
I won’t continue discussion with any adults for longer then 5 minutes. And if I do it will only be about the children or the classroom environment.

I cannot wait to transfer. Sadly the week I started working there I prayed for the day I leave. I always have to remind myself that this is a temporary place I put myself in so that I can get to were I’ve want in life.
Apart of me want to choose even
less pay so that I don’t become I’ll anymore. I am tired of being sick.

Influenster VoxBox: Boots Botanics Ionic Clay Mask #powerofplants

Let me first say I am a lucky girl to receive the Influenster VoxBox.

I signed up about a month ago and got my first box in the mail. I was suprised. People post that they don’t get any after months of doing hard work, or even signing up and somehow I was chosen. Can I tell you how excited I was? Very excited.

Today I am choosing to review the Boots Botanic Power of Plants clay mask I got in the box.

I am a girly girl when it comes to beauty products. I LOVE them and will always take a chance to try something out. Most of the time it is failure because of my oily skin but I have learned how to read labels and make educated guesses on what can and cannot work on my skin.

I tried to Boots clay mask twice. First on the day I got the VoxBox and today.  I don’t like to do it all the time because for some reason the thought of having a mask on my face for a long time or twice a week annoys me. However, the boots clay mask was really great because it wasn’t oily, it didn’t make my face dry out, and washing was a breeze. A lot of clay masks stay on you face like cake and it takes a lot of work to wash it off. Yet, this mask was so easy and it felt very natural. I will continue to use it two times a month until it is done. Hopefully, I can find them at stores, but if not I will look for their products online.

Thanks influenster for the great product. I highly recommend it to women who have oily skin and need something light to help take all the blackheads and yucky stuff out!

Transitions

Transitions are hard. It’s one of the most difficult times when teaching. Transition from play to work, or clean up to bathroom, or even waking up from nap time. Those ten minutes are valuable but very stressful at times. Some days are easier then others but with constant routine and help children learn to transition easily.

My personal transitions haven’t been easy either. The last three years I’ve had many. It has been overwhelming at times. I’ve felt lost. Or sometimes I felt like I was having and outer body experience. Looking down and watching myself interact with my environment. It is very surreal at times because I remember all the moments but they were almost like story board clips of my life.

When I transitions back into the classroom in July I was happy but devastated all at the same time. Again, I was given a school I didn’t want and I had to drive somewhere completely out of my comfort zone. I remember each afternoon I picked my nice cloths (usually I wear the worn out stuff at work), fix my hair and make up,
and go to work. On the way there I would cry endlessly in the car feeling sorry for myself. I would get to work 20/30 minutes early (as usual because I didn’t know how bad traffic would be) and sit in the car trying to gather myself together.
‘Snap out of it’
‘Get over this!’
‘You have a job’
‘Pray’
‘You are great – you can do this!’
I did this everyday for one month.
Wear my finest cloths
Drive
Pray
Cry
Talk myself into stopping the tears and being ridiculous. ‘Enough with the pity party you are a grown woman snap the hell out of it!’
Then I would get out of the car like nothing had happened. Walk into work with the biggest smile and say hello to everyone.
During meetings I would show my excitement for the field, I would ask questions, and volunteer myself to help in anyway possible–because in all honesty I love my job.

I realized how this attitude changed how people saw me at work.
They said I was positive and refreshing.
They said they always wanted a teacher they could believe in again and they finally found me.
They said I could help change the school around.

It’s been 7 months and to be honest the school has changed. Greatly. It isn’t where it should be but it isn’t were it was when I first came. I played apart in this transition but so did everyone else.
I am proud of that experience. Even in my darkest of times (you see that from a few posts) I get through even when I don’t see the light. It’s my own fears really. My own creation of darkness.

I already miss my school.
I miss my kids.
I miss the comfort.
But I guess the only way to get to where I want is to get out of my comfort and face my fears.

On Tuesday when school starts again, I am going to walk into my new school and smile brightly. I am going to make friends, play with the kids, be excited, and show my passion. And I hope and pray I will be seen well there too.

I don’t know how long I will stay but I know I am thankful for this moment in my life. I’ve waited a long time. I’ve cried to many tears. I’ve felt like too much of a failure for too long. I think it’s enough, isn’t it?

Transferring.

On Friday I got the call. I got the job. A sense of relief came over me. I have been waiting for this moment a long, long time. I am not excited to transfer to this specific school but in all honesty I wasn’t either when I was place at my current school. But I took a chance. I’ve learned whenever I take a chance greater doors open for me then when I am held in fear. I tend to be in fear a lot because I want control of everything when I know that is impossible.

So I will focus on the good things that will come from this new position.

I will make more then half then I am now. That is a HUGE plus!
This means helping my family a lot more.
It also means a possibility of moving into a better home.

I have a good break in the middle of the day (though I don’t like that). But it’s okay, I can see my grandparents, I can go to the gym for an hour, I can go out for lunch with friends who work in the area, or I can just come home and rest.
Also, it’s close to home. I don’t have to drive 40-70 miles daily anymore. That is a relief!

There are so many positives and I have to focus on those because if I don’t I will spiral into depression. I can’t do that to myself. I can’t do that to my family.

“Ideal teachers are those who use themselves as bridges over which they invite their students to cross, then having facilitated their crossing, joyfully collapse, encouraging them to create bridges of their own.” Nikos Kasantzakis

My anger is overwhelming

I love my job. I love it so that at times I can sit for hours and hours talking about everything the children in my class do, say, and feel. I can describe all of their motions and emotions. They are the best part of me and they aren’t even my own children.

Then I meet other teachers. I see their lack of passion and understand why they are under paid. In all honestly, they don’t deserve to make a lot of money for the horrible amount (or lack there of) work they do. Don’t get me wrong I know many underpaid, amazing teachers but I know just as many horrid teachers.

I went on an interview today and I felt so passionless. Again. I felt empty again. It’s like verbal vomit. You say the same thing over and over again and hope one day someone will believe in you enough to give you a chance.

I don’t know if I will get this position and finally transfer back home. But my heart is so unhappy. It doesn’t even matter if I do or not.

A certain person told me that I didn’t have to worry because I don’t have a family. Meaning married with children.
The lack of compassion in this field shocks me. Completely shocks me. They work with children. I suppose even compassion is a skilled that isn’t taught anymore.

But I like to say, I do have a family.
And I deserve it just as much if not more. And maybe the woman with a kid needs that money but I have to support the people in my family too. I have to pay rent, electric bill, phone bill, food, supplies, cloths, etc.
Don’t tell I don’t have a family.

Is there a future for me?

This is my first blog post in years.
Two things you will learn about me: I am a terrible writer and I love children. I might even talk about my frustrations with myself and the world. Or maybe food and fashion.

Why the title?
Because as of late I feel I have no future.
My heart is breaking.
I can’t get the job I want no matter how much I work. I would for a broken system that breaks me apart.
I have yet to be married and have children like everyone else in my circle. And it doesn’t help when every moment someone reminds me how “this is my year!”
At times I feel alone because I don’t share much of my pain. Sometimes, I don’t want too because people see me as someone who has it all together… Perfect. They think so highly of me I am almost afraid to let them down. If they know what I feel inside wouldn’t they be disappointed?

Maybe I have a future. But, for the first time in my life I don’t see it at all. It’s dark. So much darkness. I have hope for so many people and I’ve lost hope in myself.

Today while driving I cried out to God. “Whatever it is you want with me I will listen and do, just tell me please!”

I am in Your hands.

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